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Forever A Servant: Intertwining Your Faith with Everyday Life

This past weekend, I had the honor and privilege of attending a homegoing service for an uncle-in-law. If you know me, then you know I don't like attending funerals, and my goal is to attend the least amount possible, but for this man of God, I wanted and needed to be present. I thank God daily for having drama-free in-laws. At least it's drama-free when it comes to me. Every family has its craziness, even mine. I loved Uncle Bill, and although we didn't see him often, they always made me feel welcome when we did. Whenever my husband would speak with them, they always asked about me, and sometimes I would get an opportunity to chat.

While at the viewing, I went in to view his body and acknowledge everyone. After about 15 minutes, everything in me was screaming to go. I couldn't leave, so I left the room and sat in an open area. After a while, Auntie asked about me, so I went in to see if she needed anything. She wanted to know why I wasn't sitting in the room with them. I told her I felt more comfortable sitting out in the open area. She asked me if I was afraid of dead bodies. I told her no. I didn't want to sit in there and be emotional the whole time, so I chose to sit in a different area.

Why did I choose to do this? Because in this area of my life, I have not healed. Since my father's death, I have learned that when it comes to death, I have suppressed my emotions and have not dealt with them.

Since I've been home, I've taken some time to examine my feelings. It has not been easy. I lost my dad this month, 22 years ago, and funerals usually trigger me, especially when it's an older gentleman that I know. There's an old saying, "Time heals all wounds," but whoever came up with this saying wasn't accurate.


Looking back, I realize that most of my family suppressed their emotions. My cousin and I have this joke about the Payne's (my maiden name) not having emotions, then we laugh and say, "Yeah we do. We just don't express them." Joking in this way is sad. God gave us emotions, and we should be able to express them healthily.

So now, it's time for me to learn how to express, communicate, and deal with my emotions surrounding death or any other area in my life where I have shut down. Time helps, but what's more valuable is spending time with loved ones, connecting with new potential friends and partners, journaling, meditating, improving our physical health, collecting new experiences (e.g., traveling, meeting new people, etc.). Practicing gratitude for all of the positives in our life, practicing forgiveness toward yourself and those who hurt you, practicing self-reflection to fully process our emotions, leaning on a support system, speaking with a therapist or life coach, and pursuing creative outlets to release emotions (e.g., art or music) are also beneficial ways.

Uncle Bill was a great uncle and a wonderful person to talk with. He had served his country, and he had served the Lord as a pastor. He had the heart of a servant, and everyone who spoke of him had good words to say. Now, in death, he continues to serve by being the catalyst for my healing process. I'll miss Uncle Bill, but I'll see him again in the kingdom of God. In the meantime, I'm dealing with these emotions. How do you handle death?

  • Seek healing. "Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed." Luke 8:50 NIV

  • Don't be afraid to examine areas in your life where you have not expressed your emotions in a healthy way. "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

  • Know that God wants to make you whole. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

By reading and practicing the above scriptures…over time, I’ve been learning how to incorporate Christ into every area of my life.

Below are two books that God has inspired me to write. "The Flip Side" and "Blinded By Sight: The Heart Matters" both available now.

So… what’s this book about?

“The Flip Side” depicts the possible feelings and emotions of lesser-known Biblical characters as they navigated their lives in the shadows of the more popular characters in the Bible. While the Bible gives us snippets of their stories, we are usually left in the dark about their true motives, desires, and thoughts concerning the situations they are in. However, one certainty is that despite how little we know about these characters, they were often the catalysts to pivotal moments in the main characters’ lives.

So… what’s this book about?

Join me on a journey of self-discovery. “Blinded by Sight - The Heart Matters” is a compilation of short biblical devotions. These stories are not conclusive. They are depictions of how God is revealing my heart to me.

My prayer is, Lord, make it real for me, show me your heart, show me my heart, and give me the wisdom to change what hinders my relationship with you. I am learning that my perception is my biggest obstacle it affects my mind, what I think, and how I process my experiences. What I have experienced in my mind is expressed through my feelings and these experiences dictate my choices either consciously or subconsciously.

This devotional will allow you to explore and evaluate your past and present situations that have hindered you from seeing the heart of the matter. Simply put, look at the heart – it does matter. Your future depends on it!

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalms 34:4

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